Sexy times gone wrong.

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We know that horror and sex go so well together, so it’s natural to think about the scenes that truly threaten to ruin you for sex forever. After all, horror isn’t here to make you feel good about sex. It’s kind of the opposite. Still, though, some movies have scenes that take the depravity to another level. These scenes are not sexy. They’re freakish.

I should put a disclaimer here, though, that I’m not considering rape scenes on this list. That’s a whole can of worms I’d rather not open, and anyway, rape is not sex.

Anyway, here were the scenes I could think of that most disturb me.

“Starry Eyes” blowjob scene

starry eyes

Things you might not want to hear while administering a blowjob to a creepy old producer:

“The gateway is open, Sarah. All you have to do is be willing to step inside forever and never look back.”

“Kill your old life, Sarah. Bury it in the earth. And join us in the skies.”

Also, it might be nice if people in black masks like the one above didn’t emerge from behind curtains to watch this totally-not-a-ritualistic thing going on.

Just some thoughts on setting the appropriate mood for your next session on the casting couch.

“The Sentinel” masturbation scene

sentinel

There’s a scene in The Sentinel where the protagonist, Alison, visits her female neighbors and one of them (played by Beverly D’Angelo) just randomly starts masturbating on the couch in front of her. While that sounds like it could be hot, this is a horror movie, not a porno, and it’s much creepier and kind of surreal in practice. Obviously, Alison is very uncomfortable, but her neighbor doesn’t give a fuck.

Of course, the movie is actually about a building that’s a gateway to hell, and the tenants are all demons, so I guess in the range of things a literal demon might do to fuck with you, briefly masturbating with her clothes on in front of you is actually pretty tame.

“The Funhouse”

funhouse

The inciting incident in this movie involves a deformed guy in a Frankenstein’s monster mask (whose heavy breathing sounds oddly animalistic) paying a prostitute for sex and then, shall we say, not performing well. When she refuses to return his money, he strangles her. So, uh, yeah. Very sexy.

“Society” flesh orgy

I mean, does anything really need to be said about this? Rich (“high-society”), shape-shifting aliens literally feed off the poor, as is revealed in the climactic orgy scene in the end. There aren’t exactly exposed genitalia here, so it doesn’t require censorship – but by sane standards of censorship the whole thing should be a blur, to be honest.

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I saw 'Mars Attacks!' in theaters when I was five. I still think it's the greatest horror movie for five year olds ever made.