Looking for some campy fun this Halloween? This ain’t it.

In my latest round of exploring all that Shudder has to offer, I landed upon Birdemic: Shock and Terror. I faintly remembered hearing about this film upon its release, and during a time when movies like Sharknado and Lavalantula are at peak popularity, I was in the mood for some campy horror in which humans try to survive crazy killer animals. So why not birds?

After I watched the movie, I did some research (as all serious journalists do) and found that Wikipedia cites Birdemic as an “independent romantic horror film” and writer/director/producer James Ngyuen was inspired by Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds when dreaming up the idea for this. I also discovered that the budget was about $10k total, so that’s what we’re working with here.

I’d like to preface my review by saying that I truly appreciate camp in horror – it’s fun and one of the only genres that does “so bad it’s good” well. And well, this one is bad. Really bad.

The movie begins with a young, mid-twenties guy (Rod) walking into a diner where he spots a hot chick, who looks like a blonde, low-budget Megan Fox eating by herself. He stares at her while she eats, then she leaves, and he follows her out like a big old creep to chat her up. She explains she’s a “fashion model” (natch) and they exchange numbers.

Later on, he’s watching TV and the news reports that flocks of seagulls were found dead in San Jose. We also learn that this guy is some kind of millionaire after he sells his startup company for $10 million dollars and also the company he works for is bought out for $1 billion. He tells a friend he’s going to have an early retirement.

Nathalie, the blonde fashion model, is simultaneously signed to Victoria’s Secret as their cover star model (lol, move over Gisele). The two link up for a lunch date.

There are plot holes all over the damn place, namely that they have a lunch date but when they walk out, it’s dark outside and they say goodnight (unless they had a seriously long lunch…) and there are others, but I’ll get there.

Their relationship progresses: they go to a pumpkin festival, they dance in a bar, and she takes him to meet her mom. We’re like 45 minutes in and I’m wondering if this movie actually has any birds in it.

Okay, we’re at 47 minutes in when some high-tech CGI birds appear. The lovers had stowed away in a hotel room for some alone time (I guess a guy with more than $10 million dollars can’t afford to keep his girlfriend at his house). The birds look like they were created with WordArt (even Photoshop is too high-budget to be honest). They’re lurking around the windows of the hotel room.

Nathalie and Rod freak out and run to another hotel room where they find another couple and the foursome tries to flee. They find a bunch of dead people on the side of the road and two kids who are alive. They take the kids and try to escape but there are the vultures.

In a truly harrowing course of events, they try to escape the killer birds. But do they make it? I won’t spoil the ending for you. I’m nice like that.

The acting in most (or maybe all) porn is better than this. Seriously. It’s no wonder that this has been called one of the worst movies of all time. I’m also pretty sure that the horror movie I made with my friends when I was about 8 years old in which we used red Gatorade for fake blood was better than this. Sharknado, this is not. Not even close.

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About The Author

My cousin forced me to watch Child’s Play when I was around five years old, and I’ve loved horror movies ever since. I’ll watch anything (the gorier the better) but faint at the sight of blood in real life. Let’s be internet friends -- follow me on Twitter @mrstschinkel.