American Horror Story: Hotel: 5×05– ‘Room Service’

Last night’s episode of American Horror Story: Hotel had the perfect amount of carnage for your lingering Hallow-hangover.  This is what hit the proverbial fan:

Screen Shot 2015-11-05 at 12.45.23 PMWe begin the episode with Alex.  She’s not feeling too hot– she’s shaky, has blurry vision, and her temperature is 75.5˚.  Nevertheless, she’s powering through and attending to her hospitalized patient, Max (the kid whose parents didn’t get him vaccinated and who has contracted measles– remember?).  Max isn’t doing so well either.  He now has pneumonia and a possible staph infection.  His mother tearfully tells Alex about the DNR the other doctors want her to consider.  Alex can’t seem to focus on a pediatric DNR– her attention is on the big, pulsing vein in Max’s mom’s neck.  Still, Alex is a professional.  She puts aside her own needs for the sake of her patient and assures her patient’s mother that she will not give up on Max.  Alex then locks herself in one of the hospitals walk-in refrigerators and goes to town on a couple of blood bags.  She then proceeds to clean herself up, draw a syringe of her own blood, and inject it into Max’s IV bag.

Screen Shot 2015-11-05 at 10.47.07 AMDonovan and Iris pay a late-night visit to Ramona Royale.  Ramona’s butler isn’t pleased– it’s 4 AM, but, as Donovan aptly puts it, Ramona is a “night person.”  He tells Ramona that if she wants revenge against Elizabeth, Iris is exactly the insider she needs.  After all, Iris is a mousy, middle-aged woman.  She’s practically invisible.

Back at the hospital, Max has made a full recovery.  His skin has cleared up, his vitals are stable, and he’s walking around, offering smiles to everyone.  Alex discharges him and his mother hugs her in gratitude.  The mother notices something a bit off about Alex, and her demeanor makes a subtle shift from overwhelmed with joy to slightly disconcerted.  She doesn’t say anything though.  That would be rude.

Iris returns to the hotel and is greeted by Liz Taylor.  Liz immediately knows that Iris has been turned and makes her a cocktail of the Countess’ stash of blood and some triple sec.  She tells her that she’s going to have to drink some fresh human blood in a few hours, and Iris laments the fact that she’s been damned to an eternity as an older woman in a service profession.  Side note: for those of you who missed the joke in the cocktail that Liz made for Iris, I’ll take a moment to explain.  Triple sec is an ingredient in the hair-of-the-dog cocktail Corpse Reviver #2.  Iris is a corpse that needs to be revived.  Get it? Good. Moving on.

Screen Shot 2015-11-05 at 11.25.02 AMMax feels so much better after his brush with death that he’s able to go to school the next day, just in time for his class Halloween party.  He puts on his pirate costume, murders his parents, drinks his mother’s blood for breakfast, and hops on the bus.  At school, his teacher, Mrs. Pritchard, mildly reprimands him for bringing a plastic sword and confiscates it because this is a public school in the United States in the 21st century.  No matter; Max has a back-up knife in his boot, which he gleefully shows to his little girlfriend, Madeline.  Madeline missed him when he was in the hospital and she leads him by the hand to the closet for some PG-rated alone time.  They kiss, and Max bites her, drawing blood.  He then bites his own lip and invites her to taste his blood.  She does, and immediately feels sick.  Mrs. Pritchard goes into the closet and Max swiftly cuts her throat, telling Madeline to drink her blood.

Screen Shot 2015-11-05 at 12.02.05 PMThe principal walks down the hall and finds one of the students in Mrs. Pritchard’s class, Jimmy, stumbling out the door complaining that he doesn’t feel well. The principal goes into the classroom to find that the vampire virus has spread to everyone in the class.  Max, aka Patient 0, stabs the principal, which causes a feeding frenzy among the newly turned baby vamps.  The principal escapes and stumbles into the administration office.  Police are called and a lockdown is put into place.  A SWAT team and local news reporters arrive to a bloody scene.  Seems as if Mrs. Pritchard’s students have gone all Children of the Corn on the faculty.  Once the police have determined that the threat has passed, they release all of the students to their terrified parents, noting that they need to question a few of them.  Max, Madeline, and Jimmy all have their story down: a masked man came into the building and stabbed the teachers.

Screen Shot 2015-11-05 at 12.12.48 PMSpeaking of the police, remember John? I didn’t either, but he’s still part of the story.  We see him in his boss’s office trying to piece together the events that transpired on Devil’s Night.  His boss doesn’t think that his story of dead serial killer impersonators and a human sacrifice is believable.  He fires John; apparently he’s been skating on thin ice for years.  John turns in his gun and his badge and reminds his boss that the Ten Commandments Killer is still at large.

Screen Shot 2015-11-05 at 12.28.39 PMMeanwhile at the Hotel Cortez, an arrogant hipster couple (played by Darren Criss and Jessica Lu) check in and immediately begin to make all sorts of obnoxious demands to Iris: different towels, different sheets, gourmet pâté, and grilled lettuce. She complains about their entitled behavior to Liz Taylor, who takes her into the kitchen to whip up some pâté, or in this case, canned cat food with crackers. “Bitches want pâté,” she drawls, “Pâté they shall have.”  Liz and Iris bond, and we finally get the latter’s backstory: she used to be a businessman, husband, and father in Topeka, Kansas.  (S)he and two coworkers checked into the Hotel Cortez in 1984. Liz was a closeted transwoman who liked to wear dresses and fur coats in private.  The Countess surprised her in her room at the hotel one night, and proclaimed that she “dressed like a man, walked like a man, but smelled like a woman.”  Countess Elizabeth (looking reminiscent of Eva Perón) helped Liz embrace her gender identity and transform into the glamorous and fabulous woman “Liz Taylor” in a totally beautiful “Born This Way” moment. She even hired her to work in the hotel and killed Liz’s coworkers, who threatened her upon seeing her in a dress.

Screen Shot 2015-11-05 at 12.58.46 PMBack to the present.  Pushed to her breaking point by the hipster guests’ verbal abuse, Iris stabs them both to death and drinks their blood.  Around that time, John wakes up next to Sally.  Apparently, they had sex, and now John wants her out of his room and is being a total jerk about it.

Screen Shot 2015-11-05 at 1.02.28 PMAlex, oblivious to the bloodbath that happened at her patient’s school, meets up with Elizabeth and Holden.  Elizabeth informs her that she is to be a governess to her vampire children.

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