American Horror Story: Hotel: 5×06– ‘Room 33’

A lot happened on last night’s episode of American Horror Story: Hotel.  Let’s just jump right in, shall we?

We open in 1926.  Countess Elizabeth exits a cab and walks straight into…the murder house from season one.  Remember that one inhabitant who performed illegal abortions? Well, our girl is seeking an abortion from Doctor Charles Montgomery.  Elizabeth claims she’s only three weeks along– the fact that she’s already showing quite a bit tells a different story.  Dr. Montgomery isn’t discouraged, however, and leads Elizabeth to the basement to perform the procedure.  When Elizabeth is anesthetized, Dr. Montgomery cuts the fetus out, and lo and behold, it’s still alive.  And totally demonic (as would be expected of anything incubating in a vampire queen).  The baby kills the nurse right before Dr. Montgomery, who is high out of his mind on ether, presents it to Elizabeth so that she may hold her son.

Back to the present day.  It is revealed that Liz Taylor and Tristan have been having an affair.  They proclaim their love to one another, which wouldn’t be a problem, except that Tristan is Countess Elizabeth’s current boy toy.  She doesn’t share, which is totally hypocritical because the next scene shows her having sex with Will Drake.  Drake is very attracted to Elizabeth, but can’t climax unless another man is involved.  Sexuality is fascinating, isn’t it? Elizabeth accommodates his needs by summoning Tristan to her bedroom.  In a grossly abusive power move and display of ownership, Elizabeth orders him to fluff up Will.

Elsewhere in the hotel, John Lowe continues to question his sanity.  He wakes up to find Holden in his bed, chases him downstairs to the empty swimming pool where the vamp kids sleep, and sees Alex in her coffin.  Alex panics, drugs John to knock him out, and enlists Liz Taylor to help her move the coffins and children.  She then wakes John up and tells him that he called her, ranting and raving about visions.  When he goes downstairs to find the coffin’s again, he is confused and dismayed to discover that there are no coffins to be found.

John isn’t the only one looking for the vampire children.  Ramona Royale has officially teamed up with Donovan and Iris to exact revenge against Elizabeth.  The first step: eliminate the baby vamps.  Iris and Ramona go down to the empty swimming pool, armed with a knife and gun, only to find that the kids have been moved.  No matter. Ramona settles for the next best thing: kill Elizabeth’s baby, named Bartholomew, that she keeps in Room 33.  Ramona goes to slaughter the perpetual infant, but Bartholomew fights back and escapes, injuring Ramona.

Meanwhile, remember those Swedish tourists who were killed in the first episode? They’re still hanging around the hotel, in a never-ending loop of suffering.  Donovan tells them that if they find a purpose, they can end their pain, even if they can never leave the hotel.  So the young women set out to do just that.  They brutally murder a man who checked into the hotel, but are upset because they still aren’t satisfied.  Alex finds them and recruits their ghostly, feminine wiles to drive John further into insanity so he will leave the hotel.  After John tries to investigate another Ten Commandments murder and is ejected from the crime scene, they rope him into a threesome which culminates in all three of them being drenched in blood.  While John is freaking out, March pays him a brief visit.  That’s the final straw.  John packs his bags and leaves the Hotel Cortez.

At Chez Lowe, John tries to make amends with Scarlett, who has essentially been abandoned by both of her parents.  In the house, John finds that Bartholomew has stowed away in his suitcase and is running amok in his house.  So, John does what any reasonable man would do when faced with a demon baby: he starts shooting at it.  Scarlett is deeply unnerved by this– she only heard gunshots and assumed that her father had finally gone off the deep end.  The police, and Alex, are notified and arrive at the house.  Alex, in yet another infuriating display of parental favoritism and callous negligence, declines to speak to her daughter and instructs the police to drive her back to her grandparents house, where she has been staying.  Alex then goes into the garden and discovers Batholomew hiding in the bushes.

Back at the hotel, Liz confesses to Elizabeth that she and Tristan have been sleeping together.  Elizabeth calls both of them for a meeting in a hotel room, and tells Liz that she can have Tristan.  She then proceeds to slice Tristan’s throat open, telling Liz that she can bury him.

Elizabeth then goes to the nursery that is Room 33 to discover Alex cradling Bartholomew.  Alex tells her that the baby sustained a gunshot wound, but would be alright.  Elizabeth, shocked and eternally grateful, takes the baby from Alex.

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