Lost in the Crypt is a one of our new article series that will take a look back at the horror movies of yesteryear. There’s only one big difference: we won’t focus on the big classic films you have probably already seen a million times. Instead, we’ll pick out ones that might have been lost by time. Maybe you’ve forgotten about it, maybe you’ve never seen it. Either way, our goal is to make something new out of the old and give you a few frights along the way.

Tetsuo, The Iron Man (1989)

First things first, the main character grows a giant, spinning, drill dick and then bangs his girlfriend to death with said giant, spinning, drill dick.  Yep, that’s a thing you can see happen in this movie.  You know you always dreamed to see that happen in a movie. Case closed. Dreams do come true.

Tetsuo The Iron Man, a film directed by Shinya Tsukamoto, is a heady, body horror film that is about people turning into twisted, junk heaps of rusty metal.

Wires and machines grow out from the characters’ limbs, until their bodies are totally absorbed in a metallic, blob, mutant mess. Obviously, this then gives them super human, fighting powers, because why wouldn’t it? For real, this is what every movie should be about.  Is it not?

The film’s a sort of gross love child of the anime mega classic Akira and David Lynch’s, 1977 romantic comedy, Eraserhead. It’s like the robot maid from The Jetsons cartoon, Rosie, sucked David Cronenberg’s wiener, and he ejaculated out this beautiful bit of lovely, underground, Japanese cinema. You could say, it’s like Johnny-Five, of Short Circuit fame, videotaped one of those weird, fetish, sex parties he goes to on debaucherous weekends, and TMZ hacked his computer and leaked it to Perez Hilton, and then we all watched it on PornHub.

Tetsuo Drill Penis

Mind blowing visuals and fast paced editing gives this flick its nightmarish, I shouldn’t have drank those two entire bottles of Robitussin, vibe.

Seriously, this film is more trippy than watching your friend freak out, at a three day music festival, from taking too many, totally awesome bath salts, while at the same time, you are on the same totally awesome bath salts, while at the same time, a sixty-year-old, balding, hippie guy with his dirty butt crack showing, is cleansing your sick, deviant, soul by spinning a hula-hoop around your drug addled body and blowing bubbles filled with potent hashish smoke in your face.  It’s that kind of movie.

Shot completely in black and white and using only practical special effects, Tetsuo The Iron Man is full of imagery that is not easily forgotten, and can truly be deemed Art. From a naked guy being sodomized by a woman with a wiggling, strap-on, ten-foot, robot, hose dick, to a metal blob man, caressing the body of his dead girl friend, as her corpse lies in a bathtub filled with blood and flowers, there is a little something for the whole family.

That is, if your family is a bunch of speed freaks, and your dad is that fat, creepy guy, who hangs out at the town dump, waiting for people to throw out their pieces of scrap metal, so he can take it home to your weirdo family, and you can all take turns licking old radiators with your grody tongues.

Tetsuo The Iron Man takes a look at the connection between the modern world and its relationship with technology.  This theme is explored by contrasting sex, violence, and machinery mayhem in a music video-style, hodgepodge of montage that is shocking and intelligent.

If you are looking for a mind fuck, check this one out.  It will be well worth it.

Tetsuo the Iron Man

 

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We're a collection of horror affectionados, filmmakers, and and lovers of all things creepy, ghostly, bloody, grimey, spooky, gorey, hellish, and just all around terrifying. You know, the kind of people who like to keep the lights off in the house at night just to scare ourselves silly.